Jim Morris version of State of the Union address
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Jim Morris version of State of the Union address

“Yo, John, Joe, members of Congress, and you dudes out there watching: it's president Barry, and it’s my job as HMFIC of this country to give you a report on the state of our union. And I'll do it as soon as I finish this joint. “This has been a really groovy year for America. Our economy has grown at a record pace and people are working again. Unemployment is below 6 percent and in the first 11 months of 2014, businesses added 2.65 million jobs, making 2014 the strongest year for job growth since the 1990s. If you believe that...let me assure you that my handicap on the course is down to 5. Yep! Every time I go...and I don't go as often as I'd like...I shoot a 77. Seems like the more I smoke, the better I get, Dude." “The labor participation rate is 62 percent—the lowest it’s been since 1978, I think. That's not counting the folks who have given up and quit looking for a job. Damn! I hate a quitter! But let’s not dwell on that because we’re creating jobs, Dude. Unemployment has gone down because people who are still looking for work are taking any job they can find, working part-time when they want full-time employment (chuckles). But I would too if I was an average American. But then, average Americans believe in God, free enterprise, the Constitution and all that shit. Yo, Jack! That’s progress. “And I know wages have stagnated and Americans haven’t received raises probably since I became president, but here’s how we’re going to fix that. “In my White House budget which I will be sending to Congress when I get around to it, and shoving it down their conservative throats...or in any other orifice. I’m demanding Congress raise the minimum raise to $10.10 an hour, Dude. That’s what I raised it to for federal contractors through executive order last year. It’s the right thing to do! Is that not cool? “Now, I know a lot of businesses who pay people hourly, like Burger King franchise owners, announced last year they will reduce employees’ hours below 30 hours a week to avoid paying for Obamacare"--under his breath, "the bastards. But I still think Congress should raise the minimum wage even though it may force businesses to cut jobs. I'm so damned tired of talking about jobs." “For those young people who may be working part-time at Burger King or supporting the family by becoming prostitutes, and want to go to college, I’ve announced a $60 billion plan to provide two years of free community college to students. How will we pay for this? By taxing the damned rich more! So jump on the Obama Gravy Train and ride it 'til we're a Socialist, third world country which, by the way, won't be long!" “As I’ve said many times, the rich (that’s really Obamaese for higher earners) need to pay their fair share. There’s no reason people who are already making lots of money because they work hard for long hours shouldn’t pay more in taxes. Hell! They don't need all that scratch, Dude. I mean...the price of gas and weed are down." “I know we raised taxes on ‘the rich’ last year but it wasn’t enough to cover the costs of tax cuts for the middle class and fund government programs. Some say my tax policies punish success and don’t encourage people to work hard when they know other people’s hard work will pay for their prosperity." “This just isn’t true. Frankly, I think couples making $500,000 a year should pay a 50 percent capital gains tax rate instead of the 28 percent rate I propose. It’s the right thing to do." ( Democrat members stand and applaud until they realize they will also be taxed. Then most sit down and glower. ) “My Republican colleagues in Congress frown on this. Despite our many battles in the past, we’ll have to find a way to work together. This freely translates into it's my way or the hiway, Jack. While Republicans won control of Congress in 2014 and have plans of their own to move the country forward, so do I. And their plans don't jive with mine. I'm like the 500 pound gorilla...I squat where I want!" “I have a whole case of instant veto spray and I'll spray it all over bills which are passed on the Keystone pipeline, changes to Obamacare or my executive order on immigration. Hey! I'm sitting in the driver's seat. All you conservative honkies get used to it!" “I will also spray my veto on any bill Congress sends me seeking to impose more economic sanctions on those poor Iranians before we can get a nuclear deal signed. Now, I realize America has been engaged in these talks for a decade or two. Iran has ignored two deadlines and there’s better than a 50/50 chance Iran won’t sign a nuclear disarmament agreement. I don’t care if Democrats agree with Republicans on imposing more sanctions on Iran. As a time proven commander-in-chief, I know where to draw a red line and I have a red magic marker." ( Several democrats give him the bird. ) “As I have said before, I will work with Congress to the point that it interferes with my golf gane—but if Congress continues to screw up my tee times, I’ll take unconstitutional action on my own through executive order as I’ve done on immigration, climate change and lots of other major policies. Because it’s the right thing to do! It’s also the right thing for the American people!  “My presidency is entering the last four holes. Interesting stuff happens on the last four holes. Watch out for your own hole...I’m not done creating my socio-communist vision for America."Jim Morris
Twilight Imagery, Inc.

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