The Ramblings of a twisted mind
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Henry J's Blog & BS

The Ramblings of a twisted mind

I love road trips...don't you? Recently Teresa and I drove over to Dallas so she could visit the Galleria and bolster that city's economy. I stepped into a store that sells sunglasses...and only sunglasses. A young lady approached me and asked, "What brings you in today"?Determined not to pass up a chance to be a wise-ass, I replied, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator/freezer combination and I have to have water and ice services in the door."The young lady was speechless and as I watched her go through several changes I thought, "Damn! Am I getting to be that age?" My next thought was that I still have something on the ball. And then...along came the realization..I'm just too tired to bounce it. However, I'm in the process of making a fitness movie for folks my age and I'm calling it "Pumping Rust". The parameters are based upon the fact that the older one is, the tougher it is to lose weight. By then your body and your fat have gotten to be good friends. As we walked around the Galleria I was watching old and young people talking and texting on their cell phones. Cell phones have really become a status symbol. I'm too cheap to buy one so I was wearing my garage opener clipped to my belt.Teresa knows me too well to be embarrassed by my antics and sometimes even finds them comical. But I sometimes worry about my acerbic tongue and the impression I make on other folks. Hell...I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people don't like me anyway. Through the angst of all this I did come up with a way to greatly shorten visits from people with whom I don't care to chat. I'll move the cat's litter box in plain view of the front door. Upon entering they invariably will say, "Oh! Have you got a cat?" I'll shake my head and tell them, "No...it's for company."Several days ago I stopped by the local grocery store. I had a hankering for a quart of chocolate milk. As I studied the obligatory picture of the missing young woman on the side of the carton I was struck with the dismal truth that women should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans. While I was there...and since Teresa has suggested I should get a part time job to help me work on my dwindling interpersonal skills...I spoke to the manager about getting a job as a "greeter". He gave me an application and and I dutifully filled it out thinking Teresa would be proud of me. When I turned in the application the manager looked at it for a few minutes, looked at me and invited me to leave. It seems he didn't like my answer to the question of who to call in case of an emergency. I still think "an ambulance" is an appropriate answer and makes a helluva lot of sense.Yesterday morning I awoke, still chagrined with the application episode, and had a compulsion to read the Bible. I was halfway through Psalms when it dawned on me that people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older. Then it hit me!!! I was cramming for my finals! Hope God grades on the curve.A friend of mine in Waukegan called and said he was driving the day before while listening to a call-in show on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in and were in a frenzy about the goat's head which was sent to Cub's owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field. Then some guy from Indiana called in and asked, "Why are you so upset because someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you fools in Chicago the same folks that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"I leave you with four pointers which should be axioms:1. Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.2. The best way to find something around the house is to buy a replacement.3. The Roman Numerals for (40) are 'XL'.4. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he or she can tell when he or she is really in trouble.  Jim Morris
Twilight Imagery, Inc.

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